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Post Info TOPIC: Short stories


Major Member

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Posts: 397
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Short stories


Hi all, I am so pleased to see this forum has been put up. I really hope that it won't die, I feel that we do have quite a lot talent on this site, I have seen some of your poems in signatures and stuff and now that they have a place to belong, I hope to see them all here.

Here is some of my writing that I want to share with you, feel free to comment, but please, post supportive and helpful suggestions, don't be a negetive editor, if you don't like something please say why and how you think it could be improved.

Enjoy.

__________________
Over ancient misty hills live temples full of shaven headed, brightly robed monks with constant sinus problems form the overuse of cheap insence bought from Asda

(Don't ask, it was very early in the morning and I was probably still a wee bit drunk when I wrote this))


Major Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 397
Date:

Memoirs of a Vampire





Foreword

 

Here is a little about some of the creatures in this story

 

Igor

Igor is an Igor supplied by the company Igors4You which is a sister company to the Hell Pets chain and the Things that go Bump nanny service. Igors are a genetically made creature that is based on the fungus found between the toes of unwashed zombies. They eat anything, sleep anywhere, have the highest pain threshold this side of death and are practically indestructible, perfect for a first time pet owner. Despite these advantages they are ugly, smelly, they drool a lot and have a very annoying lisp that cannot be corrected no matter how many times you hit them, kick them, or burn them.

 

Banshee

Banshees are traditionally meant to wail after a death has happened, however through severe training at the most exclusive singing academy, Other World   Voices, Banshees trained their voices to actually cause the death, particularly when they are angry. The original theory behind the training of Banshees was to use them as assassins, however after huge legal losses the assassination plans were put to rest. They are horrible neighbours, mainly because of their poor choice of shower music and the fact that they like to park their beat up mopeds in the way of your drive

 

Ghouls

These are amazing creatures with a long heritage, but for the sake or time lets just say that they are a lot smarter than zombies, but still have the cravings for blood, flesh and freshly pickles brains with a side of broccoli. They also have a severe addiction to dating websites and gambling on lemmings. But they do make very nice angel cakes.

 

 

Memoirs of a vampire

 

 

 

Dear diary

 

I suppose its about time I started writing to you, I have around three hundred of these little books taking up the space in my loft and lets be honest after nearly four centuries, the old memory isnt all that good. Just last month I forgot to send Igor for his yearly bath and now the neighbours are complaining about his smell.

 

 

Dear Diary

 

I have had a really rough week, first someone nailed a cross to my door for some reason and now the little bastards have left holes in my lovely red door. Not to mention some thoughtful person, no names mentioned, decided to put garlic in my meal. I just have to mention, garlic does not kill vampires, but it does give us the runs.

 

 

Later: Have talked to the chef, no more garlic in my food, its up his ass

 


 


Dear Diary

 

Let it be said, vampires do in fact have facial hair, however it is a real pain shaving when I CANT SEE MY ****ING REFLECTION! I am considering laser hair removal treatment.

 

 

 

 

Dear Diary

 

Igor has been sleep walking again, I found him half way down the street this time, naked and on roller-skates, how he managed this I have no idea. The neighbours are moving out.

 




Dear Diary

 

The Lady across the hall has a bad tempered cat; it keeps trying to attack me. Today it savaged my leg and ruined my favourite jeans. I hate that it.

 

 

Later: Have kicked the cat, it now walks funny. The satisfaction was worth the ruined G-stars.

 



 

Dear Diary

 

I am annoyed. The werewolf down the road keeps on chasing the paperboy each month, Im sick of learning new names and missing a paper regularly. I must remember to have a chat with him

 




Dear Diary

 

The Banshee upstairs has broken up with her on again off again Ghoul boyfriend, the family next to her have suffered the consequences. Must remember to send her a hamper in prison.

 

Later: Banshees boyfriend bit the caretaker, now he only has the capacity to sweep. The halls are spotless.

 



 

Dear Diary

 

My father was very kind in sending me an aged bottle of burgundy, I think he needs to go to specsavers, it wasnt wine, it was hair conditioner.

 

Later: Used conditioner on Igor, he came out in a rash, he is very pleased at the outcome.

 



 

Dear Diary

 

Went to the dentist. He asked if I wanted my fangs corrected and in the most polite way possible, I turned him down. I need a new dentist.

 

Later: have made dentists teeth into a bracelet, my niece will love it

 

 



Dear Diary

 

I need to have serious words with that werewolf, this is the second time this week he has stolen my bins and it isnt even the week of a full moon! And I think he needs a flea collar or something, Igor is complaining of being itchy more than he usually does.

 

Later: Banshee is out of prison and the boyfriends back. No one will be getting any sleep tonight.

 



 

Dear Diary

 

I have finally booked the holiday Ive been talking about, it has taken fifty years, but Im finally going to be going caving, three weeks in a damp dark cave with only the bats to listen to. That is truly paradise. Igor isnt happy though, he has to go into the kennels and the dogs always try and use him as a chew toy, which isnt too bad, but then he get blamed when the dogs get sick.

 

Later: Told Igor he can go to my aunts, he wants to go to the kennels now

 

 

 


Dear Diary

 

That cat is back to it usual tricks so I let Igor have a few words with it while I talked to Mrs Crumpet. Her cat is now too afraid to come near me. But I have a date tonight with her spinster daughter that likes to collect forks

 

Later: Date was awful, I feel sorry for forks

 



 

Dear Diary

 

Mrs Crumpet is annoying me, after spending half an hour with her she sees me like another son and insists on making me sugar cookies and her famous stew. I tried to feed the cookies and stew to Igor and. He wouldnt eat them and he eats car tyres

 

Later: have found a use for the cookies and stew, cookies make good clay pigeons and the stew makes excellent cement

 



 

Dear Diary

 

I finally went to give the werewolf down the road a talking to. His wife opened the door. Took the poor bloke for a drink, he needs it more than I need my bin. I must remember to never ever drink with a werewolf again, not only are they angry drunks but they are also hypersexual under the influence of alcohol and a kebabI can never look at that lamp post again.

 




Dear Diary

 

Only two days till my holiday and I think Igor has finally learnt how to read a calender, hes getting a little skittish the closer we get to the beginning of his stay at the kennel, even though he knows Ive paid extra for him to have a private kennel and walks AND going as far as to deliver his own food rather than have him eat the food there, even though the food at the kennel would be more appetising to anyone with taste buds.

 

Later: Had to call the fire station, Igor has gotten himself stuck in a tree I think he might be trying to escape

 

Later: Had to call the fire station again, Igor got stuck in a sewer pipe

 

Later: Am putting the fire station on speed dial, Igor got his hand stuck in the letterbox

 

Later: Have tied Igor outside, he tried to nail my coffin shut, with him in it and a supply of road kill

 

Later: got a call from the rescue centre, Igor got free and was running on the motorway. Have locked him in the cellar

 

Later: Igor has buried himself, I am thinking of cementing it over with Mrs Crumpets stew

 

 



Dear Diary

 

Ive just dropped Igor off at the kennels, I think hes going to be ok there, they have a new member of staff and Igor seems to like him, he was trying to bite the blokes leg as I was leaving. All I have to do now is pick up my tickets and bags and Im off on my holiday. Father made me promise to bring him back some guano, what for I have no clue and Im not going to ask, what that man does with it I cant understand.

 

 



Dear Diary

 

Im back, the holiday was amazing, and I really need to do something like that again. Father was thrilled to get his guano, I brought extra back for him just dont ask how I got it through customs. The bats were wonderful, just what I needed in the way of company, well that and the delicious climbing partner I had with me, young, fit and healthy, the perfect mid holiday snack. Igor was pleased to see me, so were the kennel staff, he kept on trying to run away, there has to be something said for Igor loyalty, though there is a limit, it was a real pain getting him off my leg and into the car.

 

 



Dear Diary

 

Its my Mums birthday next week and I have no idea what to get her, she has everything she will ever need, plus some its been really hard to buy for her. I will have to think really hard about this one.

 

Later: I have found the perfect present in the Hell Bound catalogue, its a grow your own Thing basically you put it in a pot of soil add a drop of water and watch it try and eat anything that moves, it even comes with a warning sign for her gate Warning Plants Will Bite She will love it

 

 



Dear Diary

 

Mrs Crumpet has sent over a hamper of treats, among them were her special Butterfly Cakes which turns out they make very good rat poison, and her freshly baked scones, I have sent them to my pen pal in Europe for him to use as earplugs when his roommate starts snoring (Giants arent the most quiet of creatures)

 

Later: Mrs Crumpet sent over more stew, the only problem is I dont need any more cement and I have been warned by the health and safety department not to put any more toxic waste in my bin



 

 

Dear Diary

 

Terrible news, my cousin got staked yesterday and now I need to travel to Scotland for the reading of the will. Who would have thought that leaving a trail of drained bodies leading to your house would get a body staked? Unfortunately Igor cant come, he isnt allowed in airports anymore.

 

Later: I will have to take the train instead, the kennels wont take Igor

 



 

Dear Diary

 

I left Igor in the care of my neice and her babysitter while I attended the reading. I took me over night bag with me, vampire wills tend to be very long and very boring, I was very pleased to see a buffet ad been set up, I was not pleased to see that my mother had placed me next to another possible daughter in law. I almost miss Mrs Crumpets daughter, forks and all

 

Later: Turns out my cousin hated us all and willed all of his money and his properties to form a singing academy for out of tune banshees and wraiths

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Diary

 

I am never leaving Igor with my cousin and her babysitter again, I came back to find him covered in makeup and in tears. The tears dont bother me; it was the fact that he almost looked human.

 



 

Dear Diary

 

Igor and me returned home to find the street sectioned off by police officers and a large group of people in HAZMAT suits. Everyone had been evacuated until it was safe.

 

Later: The noxious gas had seeped out of my bin. Damn stew




 

Dear Diary

 

Since Igor doesnt technically have a birthday we celebrate the anniversary of when he arrived in the post. Normally we (I) just agree that I wouldnt try and kill him for touching me, but this year is rather special. This is the tenth anniversary; Im amazed Ive survived mentally and that hes just survived. So we (Igor) decided that we should get each other gifts. I got him a nice new shock collar with alternating times and strengths and he got me something he had dug up. Im not sure but I think its Mrs Crumpets cooking.

 

Later: Igor is asleep, Ive reburied whatever he gave me




 

Dear Diary

 

I am now positive Igor gave me Mrs Crumpets cooking. A fox tried to dig it up and now its completely stiff. On another note, the grass has died; I must remember to get some plant food on it.

-- Edited by Kinli on Friday 15th of May 2009 11:22:14 AM

__________________
Over ancient misty hills live temples full of shaven headed, brightly robed monks with constant sinus problems form the overuse of cheap insence bought from Asda

(Don't ask, it was very early in the morning and I was probably still a wee bit drunk when I wrote this))
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